New Year Post Part 1: Head Full of Doubt

Obligatory End of Year Post.

I'm doing this in two parts. Mostly this is because if I did it as one post, I would absolutely want to title it "Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise," but I've already entitled another post that. So I will do "Head Full of Doubt" today and "Road Full of Promise" tomorrow." Today's post will be of doubts, of hardships, over overcomings, or triumphs. Tomorrow's will be of hope, of future.

The first part of the year seems so far away, like it wasn't even a part of this year.

That was the second semester of my sophomore year, the second semester in my major. The last semester I took more than 12 credits. (Probably.) It was also the second semester I really acutely felt the brokenness of my family. That made for a lot of tears. I learned how to better deal with this. I had to grow. It was the first time I had a boyfriend. A new and growing experience, for sure. I often hesitate to publish anything about that situation, but it happened, and there is no reason to hide it. He was a good friend, but we weren't meant to stay together. So I had my first breakup this summer. Two people I remain deeply grateful to for their friendship in this time: Meagan Weldele (who's home I was living in this summer), my dear cousin, friend, sister in Christ, and Alex Nyquist, another dear friend, former GIFT partner, and soon to be co-leader of LSF Women's Ministry. Alex, as so often the previous semester, and still, was a voice of reason. She grounds me, and reassures me. Other people, Gerard, my cousin; Julie, my roommate; and Tricia, my friend, were among the many other encouraging people. I learned a lot about relying on God and being strong this summer. And I learned a lot about family, too.

I took Hebrew, one of the best decisions of my academic career. Can I just brag a little here? I got an A!!! I'm so proud of myself, and happy of myself. :)  I'm so so grateful to my professor, Dr. Appold, my tutor, Ryan Harker, and my friend, Heidi Geisbuhler, for all their help and encouragement in any and every way they did. I don't really challenge myself or force myself to work hard too often, so sticking with Hebrew is a really a big deal.

I decided to go to grad school. This summer it was for a Masters in Counseling. Now it's for a Masters of Divinity. GRE? Terrified. Looking up schools and figuring out where to apply? Lost. Confidence of getting in where I'd like? Shaky at best. Head full of doubt, for sure. But I want to keep learning. I want to figure out what I am to do.

I'm learning to love, mostly how loving is HARD, so so hard. I'm also learning about the importance of putting oneself in the environment that is best suited for growth and bringing one close to Christ and who you are to be in him. If you are in an environment that does not encourage you to him and tears you away from him, it perhaps is not where you should be. These are things not learned without tears. Along with this, I'm learning about the possible need for accountability in these situations: someone to hold you to loving, to growing, to intentional living.

Much has happened this year. I've been trying to figure out what I want in many different ways, trying to figure out who I am, what I believe. As this not only causes change, but has potential for conflict, it can be distressing. And somewhat exhausting to think about too much. So sometimes I don't try.

This year has brought a lot of hardship, but blessing even more. My cup indeed overflows. Though often I have rejected this when told by others--I am strong. Cheesy, but true. (I almost hate putting this in here because it's so cliche. My middle name means "Famous Warrior." My first name means "Wisdom." Anyway, my God is forever strong.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by all I want to do. Other times I'm underwhelmed at my drive and goals. (As there can be a lack of.) I think I need a focus. I got quite inspired to find that last night. "Decide what to be and go be it." Oh, okay. I just have to decide. uh, huh.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Fall 2011:

Boom. Done.

I was definitely all worried about this semester. But I made it through. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. So accomplishable. Makin'. It. A word. I think I'm going to pull off A's in 3 out of my 4 classes. I was definitely hoping for a 4.0, but it's fine. I possibly could have gotten an A in Ancient Phil (though it's doubtful), but it would have required a LOT of work. Friends and relaxing>stressing myself out trying to understand Plato and Aristotle.

So this semester has brought me many MANY new friends. One I made 3 days before she graduated. Oh, timing. But we are supposed to be friends. Many have become some of my dearest friends, though I've known them for such a short time. I am deeply grateful for the love and encouragement they bestow upon me, and their willingness to open their hearts and homes to me. That's to ALL my friends. I keep talking about love, and that's what they are showing me. It's so amazing. I have such a blessed community here.

Hebrew's been so great. I get a bit lazy sometimes, but it's something I truly want to try hard in. Which is a big and exciting thing for me. Reading the Old Testament in light of my smattering of Hebrew knowledge is soooo exciting. It's opening a whole new world (how I studied for the final) of understanding to me.


A Nicaraguan Prayer:
"O God, bless this food we are about to receive. Give bread to those who hunger, and give hunger for justice to us who have bread."
This sums up a good amount of what I've learned this semester. Let this be my prayer. Let this be my life.

Grateful. Yeah, I'm really grateful for this semester. Emmanuel.

Also: Thoughts of Jesus' birth, as I heard in a song this morning at church: "Where else would a lamb be born?" Ah. Ah. Ah. I have never thought of it in such a way. That's another thing of this semester: being exposed to thinking of things in ways I haven't before. Well, that's just been Truman overall, but I'm really feeling it this semester. I just think of Luke 2:19: "But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart." Yup. I ponder things in my heart. And my head. 

Hither by thy help I'm come.