Judas Repented

Judas kinda gets a bad rap. I mean, he betrayed Jesus Christ. For money. It's a pretty big deal.  Judas is in the list of top betrayers. No one really likes him. The name Judas, especially Judas Iscariot, carries a nasty connotation. (Personally, I always thoughts "Iscariot" fit him. "Scary" and all.)

Point is, we don't like him. We think he's pretty dang terrible. He did the worst thing a person could do, right?

But.

"When Judas, his betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he repented and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. He said, ‘I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.’" -Matthew 27:3-4a

He repented. Judas changed his mind. He said he didn't want the money, he knew Jesus was innocent of sin. Judas knew he sinned. And repented.

We are quick to condemn. Others, that is. You know, David was an adulterer and murdered Uriah. But David repented. Everybody loves Psalm 51. We look to David as this great example of repentance. And I mean, David was a man after God's own heart, right? So we can forget his misdeeds. Well, we don't forget; it's rather an exciting story. But we don't forget his repentance.

Let us not forget Judas' repentance.

So Judas killed himself. And maybe his repentance gets complicated because of that. But maybe it doesn't. God judges the heart, not me. I'm reminded of the last book in the Narnia series, The Last Battle. When the New Narnia comes, more people are ushered in than people expected. People others had personally condemned. I'm not saying that is perfect theology. I'm not saying C. S. Lewis is the ultimate authority on God or heaven. What I am saying is that God is doing things we may not know about or understand. I'm saying I don't decide who believes and who repents.

I personally wouldn't be surprised to see Judas when the kingdom comes in fullness.

Vanilla=/=Molasses (And Other Domestic Adventures)

That's clearly a "does not equal" sign, right?

So tonight I made the beloved granola. Well, I'm sorta still in the process of making. It's still in the oven. I donned the apron and everything. Halfway through, though, because I forgot at first. Oops.

MENNONITE COOKBOOK

I couldn't remember if we doubled the batch (like the pancakes) or not. So I finally decided to just make one batch and if that didn't fill in two pans right, then I'd make another one. In the first batch I couldn't remember for a while if I had counted to 6 cups of oats or not. What if I lost track? (Can you imagine if I had to count TWELVE cups??) For the record: I've been tired today. (I haven't been sleeping terribly well. Mer.) And then my chest was like "hey, I don't have enough breath." So I was like "okay, fine... Treatment it is." So, I was a little shaky and not the most alert I've ever been. *Thoughtful look* Maybe that should have been a sign to not cook, but I finished the granola (affectionately referred to as "crumbles" here.) a day or two ago, we needed more. Maybe not quite as desperate as when the pancakes run out (Those are sad, sad times until a new batch is made.).

I use parentheses a lot.

Anyway. My oat amount was fine. For the second batch though, I picked up the nearest container on the table with dark black liquid. I needed half a cup of molasses. Then suddenly, that molasses seemed very liquidy and it was pouring quite easily. AHHH. IT'S VANILLA. Thankfully I didn't get too far, haha. But can you imagine if I had put in that much vanilla? I don't actually know what would happen. But it ended up okay. No. Worries.

And, when I get to make it, I leave out the coconut and use sunflower seeds. Sometimes Meagan mixes it. And I make sure that half the batch is raisin-free! Hoooorayyyy, raisins are gross. But I forgot to put nuts in it this time, but that's okay. It's an optional thing.

So while I'm doing this baking, I'm listening to a sermon. I prefer to do tasks while I listen to sermons. It helps my working and my attention. However, it's problematic when the person makes multiple points I want to remember. Because I can't remember them all. I'm focused on one 'til he brings another 'round.

I really need to refine my sermon/lecture listening habits possibly.

So, as I'm making granola and listening to a sermon, I think "It's so fun to get those glimpses of what you want your life to be like... This is it." Oh, so apparently I want to listen to sermons and make food. I think the key in that though is home and Jesus. Also, there is no true home without Jesus. HOW COOL IS IT THAT I'M GOING TO MARRY A MAN WHO LOVES JESUS?? How EXCITING is that? I get to marry a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. But he will love me. A man who desires God's kingdom come.

Maybe we can listen to sermons and make food together. :)

Okay, granola finished! First pan I pulled out came off the pan easily, and was so good. So so delicious. Warm homemade granola? Winning.

Then the second pan.

Somehow this was the pan that it mattered on that I forgot to grease. Great. So I had to scrape with a knife and my hands and try to get the granola off the pan. Yet again, Sophia cannot cook without making a mess. Well, that batch got raisins anyway. So.

These crumbles were from the "good" batch. 

Way delish. And now the non-greased pans are soaking haha. So domestic adventures not quite done. I will probably also have to have some sort of chocolate snack soon.

That Post About Worship and Confusion and Frustration

I'm going to preface this entire thing with "I'm confused and I'm thinking and bear with me in love please."

Okay.

Tonight I went to a "Night of Worship" on this last night of the National Worship Leader Conference.
Which felt concert-y to me. Here are my thoughts.

Flashing lights don't help me worship.

Loud music does not help me worship.

People telling me to raise my hands and shout if I'm redeemed do not help me worship.

I actually take a bit of issue with the term "worship leader." A worship leader leads in the singing. Did you know worship is not excluded to singing? It really isn't. Check out Merriam Webster if you don't believe me. Why don't we call them song leaders?

Maybe some of this is because I grew up in a small, traditional, Presbyterian church. We sit in pews, no one leads worship. Mary or Joan played piano or the organ and we all sang hymns corporately. Even guitars were somewhat rare. We do NOT clap hands. We do NOT lift hands. We do NOT shout. (Except one time when Billy was preaching and told us to shout "undignified!" ... It was about David and his loincloth dancing. Anyway. That's a different story.)

Maybe. But even if it's a part, that's not the whole of it.

Despite being frustrated sometimes with not "feeling" anything, I don't want my worship, my faith, my life, to be about emotionalism. To be about MY emotions. Dude, those change all the time. (To be fair: One song writer tonight did sing about not wanting to build on the sands of feelings that change every day or something like that.) I am not an emotional worshiper. I never really have been. Not that I never get emotional during worship. That'd be a lie. But not often. Is that wrong? I don't really "abandon" myself to "worship" songs and whatnot ... or even supposedly to Jesus in a demonstrative way during what is called worship. I don't want to get sucked into emotionalism that will not sustain me or my faith. Emotions are not steady. Trust me. If I give in to emotions and what not during these times, I'll be on some sort of high that'll go when I wake up the next morning, if not before. I try not to base decisions on emotions. I can't really, since they change. I would not be able to base my faith actions and my life on emotionalism during a night of worship, so to say. My faith must be steady. My faith must be in how I live EVERYDAY. (And I mean every day as well as everyday (life).)

I probably thought judgmental thoughts tonight.

Also, this 14-year-old came up and sang a song she wrote when she was 11. Every time these things happen, I think "What am I doing with my life??? Geeez." And then she sings about wandering in the desert and I wonder what an 11-year-old could possibly know about desert wanderings, and then remind myself that yes, people of that age can experience more things than I give them allowance for. We live in a broken world and while maybe no kid should have a desert time, so to say, it's possible she did... Maybe I Jesus Juked myself?

Sigh.

Oh, and then someone started talking about angels and heaven and singing and I was like "What."

And then I'm pretty sure I felt some hearts breaking. They mentioned Revelation 5, saying that "Worthy is the Lamb" is one of the songs will be singing in heaven. I do not deny that. But I don't think that is what Revelation 5 is telling us. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. You hear that the Lion of Judah has conquered and you see the Slain Lamb. It just seemed like he ripped it out of context and was focused on our singing. And worshiping God is OH so important, do not get me wrong. But I think by just taking that line out, you miss so much. (Edit:  I've thought about this a lot since posting. I really don't think it's horrible that he said that'd be a song we'd sing in heaven. I appreciate that passage so much, for ALL it says, that it was frustrating (to say the least) to hear "Revelation 5" and then not talk about what was going on in that chapter.)

And then they said that worship-by which they meant singing-was preparation for heaven. And that in heaven there will be no sermons. I suppose that was supposed to be funny since this was a worship leaders' conference? Sigh. I don't know about sermons in heaven, but I don't know about singing as preparation for heaven either.

I just don't know.

And then I wondered if I think wrongly about God and have problems praising him and worshiping him.

I'm confused and I have lots of questions.

What does proper worship look like?

How can emotions be tied into my faith (if they should)?

If I die before the new heaven and new earth--what will this "old" heaven be like until then? Question mark over that whole situation.

The Heat (Summer, and also a NEEDTOBREATHE album)

Hi.

I haven't blogged in much time, so let's make the comeback an update post. Cliche and lame, perhaps. :)

So. Finals week happened and was survived. Dr. Appold was gracious and gave me an A in Hebrew. So my GPA ended up being fairly respectable. Moving out was the worst. I was not ready, but thought I could be. I checked out after my check out time, barely ate all day, spent an extra night in Kirksville than planned (that part wasn't bad, just stressful in all plans being messed up). Bluh. Thank goodness Andrew is ridiculously patient and caring. And helpful and has muscles. Ha. (He doesn't know about this blog yet, either...)

Then off to Kansas City for da summer! It stormed like crazy on my drive and there was hail which was hella scary. Ohmygosh, I HATE driving in the rain and storms. But I survived.

Then Andrew met my family! We had a big day of lunch with the parents, touring parts of New Haven, a tour of my high school by me and Risa, meeting my amiga OP, one of the only people I've known my whole life, and dinner with Kasia and Madeleine. Whew. whataguy.

And then, after Risa's eighth grade recognition night, I headed back to Kansas City to let my summer really begin. So I've been here. Reading, and playing with my cousins' kids (Isaac, Noah (4), and Micah (2)), spending time with the family, and reading a lot. My reading slowed down a lot in the second month.

I got into a car wreck. My car is no more and I broke my thumb. I have to keep this thing on for 3 more weeks when I'm more mobile. But I can take it off and move it around some.

I'm a MONSTERRRR!

So that's been pretty cool. Actually, when I went to the hand doctor on Monday and he said 3 more weeks, I cried. Oops. It's been frustrating. My hope was to become ambidextrous in this, but that's not looking too great. I still have some hopes though. 3 weeks is a long time. I also decided not to buy another car. At least not 'til after I graduate. Then we'll see what happens then. It's been frustrating, as I said. I've been learning to be grateful that it was just a really small break in one finger and the other driver wasn't harmed at all. It's also been humbling to have this on my record and to have to ask for help with things like ponytails (which I'm actually getting fairly good at doing myself) and not being able to write well. God is good, and Jesus is King. Forever and ever, amen.

I've been thinking a lot. Those things'll have to be well thought out blog posts. :)

ooo, want a list of all the books I've read? Here you go!

• The Secret Message of Jesus
• Ella Enchanted*
• The Horse and His Boy*
• Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows*
• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone*
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince*
• Peter Pan*
• Anne of Green Gables*
• The Christian Atheist
• Simply Jesus
• The Hawk and the Dove Trilogy
• Dynamics of Faith*
• The Meaning of Marriage
• The King Jesus Gospel

*re-reads

Whew. OH, and I read Tobit, too! That was cool. Also, many books of the Bible.

I visited Andrew at Camp Eagle 3 days after my accident. Shortest weekend ever. Fantastic though. Goodness. 40 more days until I see him again. We hiked all across creation on Saturday and talked all day! And sherpa-ed in the dark, and watched the stars. And then woke up to leave at 6:15 am for the airport. :( It had been so long. Man. I miss him. Bonus of the visit: hour and a half of visiting with Taylor Probst!

Other summer thus far highlights: 

Missy and Robbie's wedding! Catching the bouquet (there are fantastic pictures of that scenario on facebook). Molly and Spencer's wedding the next day, and my Wedding Weekend adventure with Cara. And all of the dancing and friends crammed into those two days. So. So. Good. 

THE COLOR RUN. I didn't run the whole thing because I'm out of shape, but it was fantastic!

Me and Cara.

Me and Emily.

Well, friends, thank you if you made it this far in the post. I hope to be posting more regularly! I'm car-less, so I'm freer to do such things, haha. :)

"White Blank Page, and a Swelling Rage..."

I suppose thinking of Spring 2012 in such terms:

"But you rip it from my handsAnd you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won..." *
 

is a little dramatic.

But goshdarnit. Junior Year, what more do you want from me? I know I can't say "I gave you alllllll," but good heavens, I gave you a lot. Sure, Hebrew, I stopped trying super hard around February, but really. I tried hard all Fall 2011 in Hebrew and just had nothing left. Please don't take all that's left of my soul.

Okay, soul-taking is a little extreme.

But here's the deal. I have done the best job I've EVER done this semester. I've worked the hardest (with the exception of working harder in Hebrew last semester than I did this one), and taken the hardest classes. I done SO GOOD with my homework. I'M DONE. And I'm supposed to give more? This is why finals week sucks. I got nothin' left. And I don't WANT to give anymore. I want to hang out with people I haven't seen all semester. With people I won't see all summer. With people who are graduating. I can only be a good student for so long. (Sad, I know. Trust me, I know.)

So, probably not going to give finals week my all. Finals week doesn't deserve my all. I'm going to prioritize. I'm not sure what that'll look like though.

But way more than enough of my whining...

This semester actually has been fantastic in so many ways. Here's just a few:
Cara Eads.
Ryan and Brenna Harker.
Andrew Everett Austin.
Rena Heimsoth.

That's really just a few. I have been AMAZED at so many things, but super reflective blogging will take place when it's all officially done. I've got to bs write up my scholarship project, so that I can go work on Paul with people at 9:30. And sleep.

God is good, God is constant.


--
*I realize that the lyrics I quoted are not from "White Blank Page." But the post title is a metaphor for finals. Obv.

"Of For Grace to Trust Him More..."

[I wrote this this summer, but didn't publish it on here. As I'm not in a place of attempting to empty of myself more and fill up with him and constructive things, as I'm trying to try to listen, this seems appropriate to bring back.]


Last summer was full of a lot of reflection and learning about myself and God. I did some growing. This summer seems to also be full of those things--but even more so and with more joyful leanings and with more hope.

I don't know how it is for everybody, but for me, summer actually offers me that opportunity more so than school does. There's too much homework, too many obligations, people are around all the time, there's small spaces, lots of events--we are BUSY.

But, at least for me, summer slows things down. My obligations are decreased. I don't have any homework, there aren't any classes to go to. I have less events and more space and less people around. And without all these things, I'm actually forced/given the opportunity to be by myself. To bewith myself. To be with God. To listen to him. To tune my heart in sync with his.

When we let go of things and just seek out God, we realize that he's there... Like, really THERE. He's there in the hearts of others, he's there in the heart and mind of the HV/AC worker(true story!), he's in the actions of a friend, he's there in the quiet nights when you're alone, he's listening to you cry out, when you're wondering what's going to happen in your life, and he's speaking to you--so listen... he's there in the whisper (1 Kings 19:12). 

{As Christians, God dwells in us.}

In the sermon today, the pastor said that we rarely know what God has in store for our lives--but we know who he is. This reminds me of what they say of Aslan: "Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.” Now, I think Jesus is safe. He's the safest we can ever be. But he isn't that kind of safe we often look for. He's not comfort zone safe. He's heart-safe. [Edit: I think soul-safe is a better term now.]

I get scared to let Jesus see my heart (though he already knows it). I have a hard time being open with him because I'm scared of what he'll ask me to do. But I know it's all to grow closer to him. Sure, maybe things are good, but don't you want better? This is what I ask of you--of myself:  to listen to him. He's going to lead us into who we're meant to be.

It's not always easy listening, being with yourself, being with God. It doesn't seem safe. But it'll be better. 

"Now faith is the assurance of things hope for, the conviction of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1

Seek God and his ways and his truth: 

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." -Jeremiah 33:3

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." -Hebrews 11:6

He gives and takes away, but this giving and taking is all in the plan he has for us... plans to give us a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Those takings hurt, but he plans for us--hope. That is not a God who takes things away to hurt, but to heal and for better.

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." -1 Peter 5:10

I like to think of the refiner's fire. Our suffering is just refining us, polishing us, making us shine. The God of all grace has called us to eternal glory...that's forever. Compared to that forever, our suffering is a little while... and after that, he's going to restore you. He's going to confirm you. He's going to strengthen you. He's going to establish you. 

Faith is trust, as a dear friend once told me. So trust him. Seek him, call out to him, listen for him, listen to him, and trust.

Listen, my dear friends. Listen and grow.

You Are Not Alone

Earlier this morning I stumbled across a blog about women/relationships. A few posts were dedicated to questions you shouldn't ask men (I think particularly on dates/getting to know them). This list of questions brought to mind the question "What is the best decision you've made?" I can't remember if that question is on the list or not, but maybe it should be. Maybe it shouldn't. I don't know. But it made me think. What if somebody asked me that? What would I say?

I suppose a good free-willer would say "Jesus." However, I'm not sure how much of that is me, but much is Christ. I do know that in my sinning state, I don't see how I would come to him. I don't know. God is good and I'm glad I am his daughter. Anyway, so I decided not to put this one in the running.

How about coming to Truman? Oh, how glad I am that I am here! And if it was fully my decision, perhaps I could say this. But I had no intention of applying. My mom made me. And Truman granted me the Leadership Scholarship, and MoBap did not grant me the highest scholarship. And Mom highly encouraged me to come due to these things. Was it my decision in the end? Perhaps, but it was not all on my own.

How about spending my summer at Gerard and Meagan's and making that family? Well, I can't remember if the idea was initially mine and Kasia encouraged me, or if she brought the idea to me. And Gerard and Meagan had to say yes. I could not have made that decision without them.

How about some of my friendships? Yes, I have decided to be friends with certain people. But to a degree, that does not work if they do not also decide to be my friend. It's not all me.

How about my major? Oh, how I love my major. Nothing else seemed right though. Over a break freshman spring semester, I sat down with the course catalog and poured over possible classes. Philosophy and Religion held the ones I was most interested in. Was that my decision? Well, yeah. But I couldn't have made another one. Perhaps this is the one that would best fit to answer the question. After all, it has encouraged my faith, challenged my faith, brought me friendships, brought me questions and new ideas.

The point here is that my decisions weren't made all on my own. Decisions are scary. I'm terrified of making the wrong one. But in a sense, the decisions aren't completely up to us. We have guides that help us. Yes, perhaps the final "yes" or "no" is ours to say, but we are not alone.

Decisions can be quite lonely. They can take us far from home--physically and emotionally. And sometimes, although yes, we have help, the final "yes" or "no" or "stay" or "go" is up to us. But that does not mean we can't seek help in our decision making process. It does not have to be an entirely lonely endeavor. At least, I don't think it has to be. I hope not. (I mean, God's here.)


Please, if you have thoughts of this, comment, let me know. I'd love to discuss. Even if you disagree--That's a fact of life I need to get used to. :)