Vanilla=/=Molasses (And Other Domestic Adventures)

That's clearly a "does not equal" sign, right?

So tonight I made the beloved granola. Well, I'm sorta still in the process of making. It's still in the oven. I donned the apron and everything. Halfway through, though, because I forgot at first. Oops.

MENNONITE COOKBOOK

I couldn't remember if we doubled the batch (like the pancakes) or not. So I finally decided to just make one batch and if that didn't fill in two pans right, then I'd make another one. In the first batch I couldn't remember for a while if I had counted to 6 cups of oats or not. What if I lost track? (Can you imagine if I had to count TWELVE cups??) For the record: I've been tired today. (I haven't been sleeping terribly well. Mer.) And then my chest was like "hey, I don't have enough breath." So I was like "okay, fine... Treatment it is." So, I was a little shaky and not the most alert I've ever been. *Thoughtful look* Maybe that should have been a sign to not cook, but I finished the granola (affectionately referred to as "crumbles" here.) a day or two ago, we needed more. Maybe not quite as desperate as when the pancakes run out (Those are sad, sad times until a new batch is made.).

I use parentheses a lot.

Anyway. My oat amount was fine. For the second batch though, I picked up the nearest container on the table with dark black liquid. I needed half a cup of molasses. Then suddenly, that molasses seemed very liquidy and it was pouring quite easily. AHHH. IT'S VANILLA. Thankfully I didn't get too far, haha. But can you imagine if I had put in that much vanilla? I don't actually know what would happen. But it ended up okay. No. Worries.

And, when I get to make it, I leave out the coconut and use sunflower seeds. Sometimes Meagan mixes it. And I make sure that half the batch is raisin-free! Hoooorayyyy, raisins are gross. But I forgot to put nuts in it this time, but that's okay. It's an optional thing.

So while I'm doing this baking, I'm listening to a sermon. I prefer to do tasks while I listen to sermons. It helps my working and my attention. However, it's problematic when the person makes multiple points I want to remember. Because I can't remember them all. I'm focused on one 'til he brings another 'round.

I really need to refine my sermon/lecture listening habits possibly.

So, as I'm making granola and listening to a sermon, I think "It's so fun to get those glimpses of what you want your life to be like... This is it." Oh, so apparently I want to listen to sermons and make food. I think the key in that though is home and Jesus. Also, there is no true home without Jesus. HOW COOL IS IT THAT I'M GOING TO MARRY A MAN WHO LOVES JESUS?? How EXCITING is that? I get to marry a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. But he will love me. A man who desires God's kingdom come.

Maybe we can listen to sermons and make food together. :)

Okay, granola finished! First pan I pulled out came off the pan easily, and was so good. So so delicious. Warm homemade granola? Winning.

Then the second pan.

Somehow this was the pan that it mattered on that I forgot to grease. Great. So I had to scrape with a knife and my hands and try to get the granola off the pan. Yet again, Sophia cannot cook without making a mess. Well, that batch got raisins anyway. So.

These crumbles were from the "good" batch. 

Way delish. And now the non-greased pans are soaking haha. So domestic adventures not quite done. I will probably also have to have some sort of chocolate snack soon.

That Post About Worship and Confusion and Frustration

I'm going to preface this entire thing with "I'm confused and I'm thinking and bear with me in love please."

Okay.

Tonight I went to a "Night of Worship" on this last night of the National Worship Leader Conference.
Which felt concert-y to me. Here are my thoughts.

Flashing lights don't help me worship.

Loud music does not help me worship.

People telling me to raise my hands and shout if I'm redeemed do not help me worship.

I actually take a bit of issue with the term "worship leader." A worship leader leads in the singing. Did you know worship is not excluded to singing? It really isn't. Check out Merriam Webster if you don't believe me. Why don't we call them song leaders?

Maybe some of this is because I grew up in a small, traditional, Presbyterian church. We sit in pews, no one leads worship. Mary or Joan played piano or the organ and we all sang hymns corporately. Even guitars were somewhat rare. We do NOT clap hands. We do NOT lift hands. We do NOT shout. (Except one time when Billy was preaching and told us to shout "undignified!" ... It was about David and his loincloth dancing. Anyway. That's a different story.)

Maybe. But even if it's a part, that's not the whole of it.

Despite being frustrated sometimes with not "feeling" anything, I don't want my worship, my faith, my life, to be about emotionalism. To be about MY emotions. Dude, those change all the time. (To be fair: One song writer tonight did sing about not wanting to build on the sands of feelings that change every day or something like that.) I am not an emotional worshiper. I never really have been. Not that I never get emotional during worship. That'd be a lie. But not often. Is that wrong? I don't really "abandon" myself to "worship" songs and whatnot ... or even supposedly to Jesus in a demonstrative way during what is called worship. I don't want to get sucked into emotionalism that will not sustain me or my faith. Emotions are not steady. Trust me. If I give in to emotions and what not during these times, I'll be on some sort of high that'll go when I wake up the next morning, if not before. I try not to base decisions on emotions. I can't really, since they change. I would not be able to base my faith actions and my life on emotionalism during a night of worship, so to say. My faith must be steady. My faith must be in how I live EVERYDAY. (And I mean every day as well as everyday (life).)

I probably thought judgmental thoughts tonight.

Also, this 14-year-old came up and sang a song she wrote when she was 11. Every time these things happen, I think "What am I doing with my life??? Geeez." And then she sings about wandering in the desert and I wonder what an 11-year-old could possibly know about desert wanderings, and then remind myself that yes, people of that age can experience more things than I give them allowance for. We live in a broken world and while maybe no kid should have a desert time, so to say, it's possible she did... Maybe I Jesus Juked myself?

Sigh.

Oh, and then someone started talking about angels and heaven and singing and I was like "What."

And then I'm pretty sure I felt some hearts breaking. They mentioned Revelation 5, saying that "Worthy is the Lamb" is one of the songs will be singing in heaven. I do not deny that. But I don't think that is what Revelation 5 is telling us. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. You hear that the Lion of Judah has conquered and you see the Slain Lamb. It just seemed like he ripped it out of context and was focused on our singing. And worshiping God is OH so important, do not get me wrong. But I think by just taking that line out, you miss so much. (Edit:  I've thought about this a lot since posting. I really don't think it's horrible that he said that'd be a song we'd sing in heaven. I appreciate that passage so much, for ALL it says, that it was frustrating (to say the least) to hear "Revelation 5" and then not talk about what was going on in that chapter.)

And then they said that worship-by which they meant singing-was preparation for heaven. And that in heaven there will be no sermons. I suppose that was supposed to be funny since this was a worship leaders' conference? Sigh. I don't know about sermons in heaven, but I don't know about singing as preparation for heaven either.

I just don't know.

And then I wondered if I think wrongly about God and have problems praising him and worshiping him.

I'm confused and I have lots of questions.

What does proper worship look like?

How can emotions be tied into my faith (if they should)?

If I die before the new heaven and new earth--what will this "old" heaven be like until then? Question mark over that whole situation.

The Heat (Summer, and also a NEEDTOBREATHE album)

Hi.

I haven't blogged in much time, so let's make the comeback an update post. Cliche and lame, perhaps. :)

So. Finals week happened and was survived. Dr. Appold was gracious and gave me an A in Hebrew. So my GPA ended up being fairly respectable. Moving out was the worst. I was not ready, but thought I could be. I checked out after my check out time, barely ate all day, spent an extra night in Kirksville than planned (that part wasn't bad, just stressful in all plans being messed up). Bluh. Thank goodness Andrew is ridiculously patient and caring. And helpful and has muscles. Ha. (He doesn't know about this blog yet, either...)

Then off to Kansas City for da summer! It stormed like crazy on my drive and there was hail which was hella scary. Ohmygosh, I HATE driving in the rain and storms. But I survived.

Then Andrew met my family! We had a big day of lunch with the parents, touring parts of New Haven, a tour of my high school by me and Risa, meeting my amiga OP, one of the only people I've known my whole life, and dinner with Kasia and Madeleine. Whew. whataguy.

And then, after Risa's eighth grade recognition night, I headed back to Kansas City to let my summer really begin. So I've been here. Reading, and playing with my cousins' kids (Isaac, Noah (4), and Micah (2)), spending time with the family, and reading a lot. My reading slowed down a lot in the second month.

I got into a car wreck. My car is no more and I broke my thumb. I have to keep this thing on for 3 more weeks when I'm more mobile. But I can take it off and move it around some.

I'm a MONSTERRRR!

So that's been pretty cool. Actually, when I went to the hand doctor on Monday and he said 3 more weeks, I cried. Oops. It's been frustrating. My hope was to become ambidextrous in this, but that's not looking too great. I still have some hopes though. 3 weeks is a long time. I also decided not to buy another car. At least not 'til after I graduate. Then we'll see what happens then. It's been frustrating, as I said. I've been learning to be grateful that it was just a really small break in one finger and the other driver wasn't harmed at all. It's also been humbling to have this on my record and to have to ask for help with things like ponytails (which I'm actually getting fairly good at doing myself) and not being able to write well. God is good, and Jesus is King. Forever and ever, amen.

I've been thinking a lot. Those things'll have to be well thought out blog posts. :)

ooo, want a list of all the books I've read? Here you go!

• The Secret Message of Jesus
• Ella Enchanted*
• The Horse and His Boy*
• Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows*
• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone*
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince*
• Peter Pan*
• Anne of Green Gables*
• The Christian Atheist
• Simply Jesus
• The Hawk and the Dove Trilogy
• Dynamics of Faith*
• The Meaning of Marriage
• The King Jesus Gospel

*re-reads

Whew. OH, and I read Tobit, too! That was cool. Also, many books of the Bible.

I visited Andrew at Camp Eagle 3 days after my accident. Shortest weekend ever. Fantastic though. Goodness. 40 more days until I see him again. We hiked all across creation on Saturday and talked all day! And sherpa-ed in the dark, and watched the stars. And then woke up to leave at 6:15 am for the airport. :( It had been so long. Man. I miss him. Bonus of the visit: hour and a half of visiting with Taylor Probst!

Other summer thus far highlights: 

Missy and Robbie's wedding! Catching the bouquet (there are fantastic pictures of that scenario on facebook). Molly and Spencer's wedding the next day, and my Wedding Weekend adventure with Cara. And all of the dancing and friends crammed into those two days. So. So. Good. 

THE COLOR RUN. I didn't run the whole thing because I'm out of shape, but it was fantastic!

Me and Cara.

Me and Emily.

Well, friends, thank you if you made it this far in the post. I hope to be posting more regularly! I'm car-less, so I'm freer to do such things, haha. :)