"Of For Grace to Trust Him More..."

[I wrote this this summer, but didn't publish it on here. As I'm not in a place of attempting to empty of myself more and fill up with him and constructive things, as I'm trying to try to listen, this seems appropriate to bring back.]


Last summer was full of a lot of reflection and learning about myself and God. I did some growing. This summer seems to also be full of those things--but even more so and with more joyful leanings and with more hope.

I don't know how it is for everybody, but for me, summer actually offers me that opportunity more so than school does. There's too much homework, too many obligations, people are around all the time, there's small spaces, lots of events--we are BUSY.

But, at least for me, summer slows things down. My obligations are decreased. I don't have any homework, there aren't any classes to go to. I have less events and more space and less people around. And without all these things, I'm actually forced/given the opportunity to be by myself. To bewith myself. To be with God. To listen to him. To tune my heart in sync with his.

When we let go of things and just seek out God, we realize that he's there... Like, really THERE. He's there in the hearts of others, he's there in the heart and mind of the HV/AC worker(true story!), he's in the actions of a friend, he's there in the quiet nights when you're alone, he's listening to you cry out, when you're wondering what's going to happen in your life, and he's speaking to you--so listen... he's there in the whisper (1 Kings 19:12). 

{As Christians, God dwells in us.}

In the sermon today, the pastor said that we rarely know what God has in store for our lives--but we know who he is. This reminds me of what they say of Aslan: "Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.” Now, I think Jesus is safe. He's the safest we can ever be. But he isn't that kind of safe we often look for. He's not comfort zone safe. He's heart-safe. [Edit: I think soul-safe is a better term now.]

I get scared to let Jesus see my heart (though he already knows it). I have a hard time being open with him because I'm scared of what he'll ask me to do. But I know it's all to grow closer to him. Sure, maybe things are good, but don't you want better? This is what I ask of you--of myself:  to listen to him. He's going to lead us into who we're meant to be.

It's not always easy listening, being with yourself, being with God. It doesn't seem safe. But it'll be better. 

"Now faith is the assurance of things hope for, the conviction of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1

Seek God and his ways and his truth: 

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." -Jeremiah 33:3

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." -Hebrews 11:6

He gives and takes away, but this giving and taking is all in the plan he has for us... plans to give us a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Those takings hurt, but he plans for us--hope. That is not a God who takes things away to hurt, but to heal and for better.

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." -1 Peter 5:10

I like to think of the refiner's fire. Our suffering is just refining us, polishing us, making us shine. The God of all grace has called us to eternal glory...that's forever. Compared to that forever, our suffering is a little while... and after that, he's going to restore you. He's going to confirm you. He's going to strengthen you. He's going to establish you. 

Faith is trust, as a dear friend once told me. So trust him. Seek him, call out to him, listen for him, listen to him, and trust.

Listen, my dear friends. Listen and grow.

You Are Not Alone

Earlier this morning I stumbled across a blog about women/relationships. A few posts were dedicated to questions you shouldn't ask men (I think particularly on dates/getting to know them). This list of questions brought to mind the question "What is the best decision you've made?" I can't remember if that question is on the list or not, but maybe it should be. Maybe it shouldn't. I don't know. But it made me think. What if somebody asked me that? What would I say?

I suppose a good free-willer would say "Jesus." However, I'm not sure how much of that is me, but much is Christ. I do know that in my sinning state, I don't see how I would come to him. I don't know. God is good and I'm glad I am his daughter. Anyway, so I decided not to put this one in the running.

How about coming to Truman? Oh, how glad I am that I am here! And if it was fully my decision, perhaps I could say this. But I had no intention of applying. My mom made me. And Truman granted me the Leadership Scholarship, and MoBap did not grant me the highest scholarship. And Mom highly encouraged me to come due to these things. Was it my decision in the end? Perhaps, but it was not all on my own.

How about spending my summer at Gerard and Meagan's and making that family? Well, I can't remember if the idea was initially mine and Kasia encouraged me, or if she brought the idea to me. And Gerard and Meagan had to say yes. I could not have made that decision without them.

How about some of my friendships? Yes, I have decided to be friends with certain people. But to a degree, that does not work if they do not also decide to be my friend. It's not all me.

How about my major? Oh, how I love my major. Nothing else seemed right though. Over a break freshman spring semester, I sat down with the course catalog and poured over possible classes. Philosophy and Religion held the ones I was most interested in. Was that my decision? Well, yeah. But I couldn't have made another one. Perhaps this is the one that would best fit to answer the question. After all, it has encouraged my faith, challenged my faith, brought me friendships, brought me questions and new ideas.

The point here is that my decisions weren't made all on my own. Decisions are scary. I'm terrified of making the wrong one. But in a sense, the decisions aren't completely up to us. We have guides that help us. Yes, perhaps the final "yes" or "no" is ours to say, but we are not alone.

Decisions can be quite lonely. They can take us far from home--physically and emotionally. And sometimes, although yes, we have help, the final "yes" or "no" or "stay" or "go" is up to us. But that does not mean we can't seek help in our decision making process. It does not have to be an entirely lonely endeavor. At least, I don't think it has to be. I hope not. (I mean, God's here.)


Please, if you have thoughts of this, comment, let me know. I'd love to discuss. Even if you disagree--That's a fact of life I need to get used to. :)

Philosophia

Word Origin & History

philosophy 

c.1300, from O.Fr. filosofie (12c.), from L. philosophia, from Gk.philosophia "love of knowledge, wisdom," from philo- "loving" +sophia "knowledge, wisdom," from sophis "wise, learned."


(From dictionary.com, yo.)


Meaning, a philosopher is someone who loves wisdom.
In other words, I will marry a philosopher.


Hehe, I find this amusing.


Also, I wanted to post but could not put words out that I liked, so I went to some drafts.

Sigh.

BEDTIME.

"Anyone Who Knows Me..."

Anyone who knows me knows that...

I've been thinking about this a bit lately. It's something you hear people say. Examples:

"Anyone who knows me knows that I love Kenya."

"Anyone who knows me knows that my sisters are my best friends."

"Anyone who knows me knows I'm not really quiet."

I don't know if I have one of those to say. Or any. Maybe I'm just thinking that more people know me than really do. (Thus lessening the people who would know some specific thing.) Is there anything in my life, anything about me, that is so obvious, that I talk about so much, that anyone who spends time with me/talking to me knows?

My first thoughts are to my awk-ness. It's quite apparent. Pre-Truman me would be APPALLED at my boldly awk personality. It slips out.

Things I wish it were: How much I love my major. Basically, how much I love studying that subject matter as a whole. That I'm striving to love. That hugs are among my favorite things. That I want to be your friend.

What it ought to be: How Jesus has influenced my life. Given me life. Given me love. And urges me on to give love.

What a thought! "Anyone who knows me knows Christ's love."




"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God and whoever loves knows God, and has been born of God." ~1 John 4:7

Security (Or Lack Thereof)

Security's something I think a lot about. Probably not generally for good reasons, however. It's usually for not-so-positive reasons. I'm way more paranoid than I should be walking around at night. Hardly at all in Overland Park, interestingly enough. New Haven and Kirksville, however--SCARY. I do attribute this to my overactive imagination (especially as a child), too much Law & Order and other crime shows (especially as a child), and reading (especially as a child). That and my tendency to imagine the worst possible things. (Not healthy.)

But then there's a personal security--like being secure as a person, in your relationships, in who you are. I struggle there. Mucho. Albeit, not as much as I did previous to last year, but there are still struggles. School days aren't so bad--we're all busy, and I usually have a ministry event or some such thing so that's happening at night. However, Saturdays are what get me most. Saturday afternoon/evenings particularly. If my roommate has plans, and is gone all day, and I don't, then I'm alone in our apartment. All day. Suddenly I have no motivation to do homework elsewhere or to do homework at all. I get mopey and am essentially convinced I don't have friends.

I'm working on security in friendships. I actually do a lot better most of the time. But some days, I don't do so well. The weird thing is I never considered myself someone who couldn't be alone. I was supposed to be okay alone. So why this fear, this moping? This lack of security?

Security in who I am can be hard. I feel like I'm changing; mostly in my opinions and beliefs. And I'm just not sure where I fit in with it all anymore. For years I'd been sure of some things; they don't seem as important anymore. The hard thing is when strong, important influences in my life fervently and seemingly logically hold to opposing beliefs. Then I really do have to figure out what I believe. I'm really good at agreeing with whoever I'm talking to. Provided it's not blatantly against what I really think. My personality likes peace and likes to agree. So, without even thinking, I can all to easily just go along with other people. Especially if it's scary to disagree with them. And I think that they'll judge me if I disagree. Oh, this is not good.

I really need to not be afraid to search for myself and come to my own conclusions. Though I would prefer if they were in agreement with the people who are important to me... Of course.

Normally, I don't walk around Kirksville at night by myself. If I have to go anywhere that's not campus (or LuHo or Tricia's, which are on the way to campus) at night, I drive. However, last night, after swiping Ryan and Brenna in for dinner, I walked to their house with them, as we had a prayer group in a little bit. I knew this meant me walking back alone. After we had finished, I went to Randolph house, which is just a couple houses away from Harker House. I walked back to Campbell 203 after midnight. I was fine. I wasn't scared. I think it was the snow. Something about snow, probably the white, and how it reflects light, is pure. It made the world seem brighter and safer. Yay! I was secure. :)

Sabbath Home Way

Yesterday was my last time worshiping at Woodland Ridge Presbyterian Church for a while, possibly 'til this summer. It was a good Sunday. There were multiple baptisms of Nepali attenders. It was so so beautiful. I have much respect for how my church (yes, I consider it mine) really reaches out. Their statement as to "Why We Do What We Do" is:

"Woodland Ridge Presbyterian Church is a servant driven community which exists to worship the triune God; to celebrate the truths of the Reformation; and to glorify Him in our city, our region, among the immigrant in our midst, even to the ends of the earth."

The way the church really reaches out to everyone is so beautiful. We share a building with a Korean congregation and sometimes the pastors switch preaching, we send vans to pick up Nepali friends for worship and have great involvement with them, we offer ESL classes to Spanish speakers. Growing up in New Haven and going to Truman has not exposed me to much diversity. It's so fun to see other cultures just at home together and blending and teaching each other. Oh yeah, and they welcomed me too. :)

Woodland Ridge is the church I have spent the most time at since May, possibly in the last year or so. Most of my breaks have been in Kansas City, so I've been there. Which included the whole summer. Last semester, I got lazy about going to St. Paul and I really regret it. I love that church and know it's worth the time commitment. I've realized how important it is to be involved with the church. And that means having a home church. We are meant to live with the body and to encourage each other, to meet together often. We are meant to reach out, to love. A specific church enables that. I highly encourage you to actively be part of a church body if you are not already. And I challenge myself to do the same.

I have been blessed with/by good church homes throughout my life. God has blessed me indeed to be surrounded by so many believers. I am blessed to know so many from so many different areas--all part of THE church.

The Catholic Church recently put out a commercial about "coming home." Catholic, Protestant, unlabeled... Come home. Get on Sabbath Home Way and rejoice at what you find.




*Sabbath Home Way is a road off of Highway 11 here in Northeast Missouri. It is on the way from Kirksville to St. Paul.

New Year Post Part 2: Road Full of Promise

I love promises.

I think that there's a huge difference between saying "I will do this" and saying "I promise I will do this." AND GUESS WHAT. God's promises are always good and true.

"For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory." ~2 Corinthians 1:20

That verse makes my soul tingle.

Promises are assurances. It's something we can base our expectations on.

So what does it mean to have a Road Full of Promise? Oh, my soul is tingling again. I feel anticipation in my bones. Seriously. It's one of those things I have a hard time putting into words, but I feel.  At least to me, it means good things are coming--are assured. Promise is hope. It means you have possibilities in your future. And good things. Basically, it means this:

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:26-28

 God's got a will and a plan for us. We do not even know often how to pray as we ought, let alone know what we are to do. But God's got that road ready full of promises.

Also, reflecting on this
 ...What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain understanding must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do; the thing is to find the truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.
Oh, Kierkegaard.


And so what am I to do on this Road Full of Promise?


Oh, we'll see. :)


Really, though, the past few days I've somewhat come to an acceptance. An acceptance of I don't know what I want to "do" or what I ought to "do." And I'm (mostly) okay with that. So I don't know my whole life at 21. So what? I know my next step (ish). And my next step is just a continuing of what I want to do--of what I want to be. I'm going to continue learning what I like and pursuing relationships and finding ways to love. I'm going to take life step by step. Will I have to "figure things out" after grad school? Probably so, at least in some way. But you know what? I'm choosing to try to not worry on that. Because it's not here yet. So I can't do it anyway. (Besides, we all know our plans change all the time.) So I will continue praying, and seeking, and the Spirit will continue interceding. And God will continue faithful. 


God knows our hearts. And he loves us. How could our Roads not be Full of Promise?
So I will continue on my Road in prayer, in seeking, in hope, finding those Promises.


In Jesus' name, Amen.