That Post About Worship and Confusion and Frustration

I'm going to preface this entire thing with "I'm confused and I'm thinking and bear with me in love please."

Okay.

Tonight I went to a "Night of Worship" on this last night of the National Worship Leader Conference.
Which felt concert-y to me. Here are my thoughts.

Flashing lights don't help me worship.

Loud music does not help me worship.

People telling me to raise my hands and shout if I'm redeemed do not help me worship.

I actually take a bit of issue with the term "worship leader." A worship leader leads in the singing. Did you know worship is not excluded to singing? It really isn't. Check out Merriam Webster if you don't believe me. Why don't we call them song leaders?

Maybe some of this is because I grew up in a small, traditional, Presbyterian church. We sit in pews, no one leads worship. Mary or Joan played piano or the organ and we all sang hymns corporately. Even guitars were somewhat rare. We do NOT clap hands. We do NOT lift hands. We do NOT shout. (Except one time when Billy was preaching and told us to shout "undignified!" ... It was about David and his loincloth dancing. Anyway. That's a different story.)

Maybe. But even if it's a part, that's not the whole of it.

Despite being frustrated sometimes with not "feeling" anything, I don't want my worship, my faith, my life, to be about emotionalism. To be about MY emotions. Dude, those change all the time. (To be fair: One song writer tonight did sing about not wanting to build on the sands of feelings that change every day or something like that.) I am not an emotional worshiper. I never really have been. Not that I never get emotional during worship. That'd be a lie. But not often. Is that wrong? I don't really "abandon" myself to "worship" songs and whatnot ... or even supposedly to Jesus in a demonstrative way during what is called worship. I don't want to get sucked into emotionalism that will not sustain me or my faith. Emotions are not steady. Trust me. If I give in to emotions and what not during these times, I'll be on some sort of high that'll go when I wake up the next morning, if not before. I try not to base decisions on emotions. I can't really, since they change. I would not be able to base my faith actions and my life on emotionalism during a night of worship, so to say. My faith must be steady. My faith must be in how I live EVERYDAY. (And I mean every day as well as everyday (life).)

I probably thought judgmental thoughts tonight.

Also, this 14-year-old came up and sang a song she wrote when she was 11. Every time these things happen, I think "What am I doing with my life??? Geeez." And then she sings about wandering in the desert and I wonder what an 11-year-old could possibly know about desert wanderings, and then remind myself that yes, people of that age can experience more things than I give them allowance for. We live in a broken world and while maybe no kid should have a desert time, so to say, it's possible she did... Maybe I Jesus Juked myself?

Sigh.

Oh, and then someone started talking about angels and heaven and singing and I was like "What."

And then I'm pretty sure I felt some hearts breaking. They mentioned Revelation 5, saying that "Worthy is the Lamb" is one of the songs will be singing in heaven. I do not deny that. But I don't think that is what Revelation 5 is telling us. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. You hear that the Lion of Judah has conquered and you see the Slain Lamb. It just seemed like he ripped it out of context and was focused on our singing. And worshiping God is OH so important, do not get me wrong. But I think by just taking that line out, you miss so much. (Edit:  I've thought about this a lot since posting. I really don't think it's horrible that he said that'd be a song we'd sing in heaven. I appreciate that passage so much, for ALL it says, that it was frustrating (to say the least) to hear "Revelation 5" and then not talk about what was going on in that chapter.)

And then they said that worship-by which they meant singing-was preparation for heaven. And that in heaven there will be no sermons. I suppose that was supposed to be funny since this was a worship leaders' conference? Sigh. I don't know about sermons in heaven, but I don't know about singing as preparation for heaven either.

I just don't know.

And then I wondered if I think wrongly about God and have problems praising him and worshiping him.

I'm confused and I have lots of questions.

What does proper worship look like?

How can emotions be tied into my faith (if they should)?

If I die before the new heaven and new earth--what will this "old" heaven be like until then? Question mark over that whole situation.