Judas Repented

Judas kinda gets a bad rap. I mean, he betrayed Jesus Christ. For money. It's a pretty big deal.  Judas is in the list of top betrayers. No one really likes him. The name Judas, especially Judas Iscariot, carries a nasty connotation. (Personally, I always thoughts "Iscariot" fit him. "Scary" and all.)

Point is, we don't like him. We think he's pretty dang terrible. He did the worst thing a person could do, right?

But.

"When Judas, his betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he repented and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. He said, ‘I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.’" -Matthew 27:3-4a

He repented. Judas changed his mind. He said he didn't want the money, he knew Jesus was innocent of sin. Judas knew he sinned. And repented.

We are quick to condemn. Others, that is. You know, David was an adulterer and murdered Uriah. But David repented. Everybody loves Psalm 51. We look to David as this great example of repentance. And I mean, David was a man after God's own heart, right? So we can forget his misdeeds. Well, we don't forget; it's rather an exciting story. But we don't forget his repentance.

Let us not forget Judas' repentance.

So Judas killed himself. And maybe his repentance gets complicated because of that. But maybe it doesn't. God judges the heart, not me. I'm reminded of the last book in the Narnia series, The Last Battle. When the New Narnia comes, more people are ushered in than people expected. People others had personally condemned. I'm not saying that is perfect theology. I'm not saying C. S. Lewis is the ultimate authority on God or heaven. What I am saying is that God is doing things we may not know about or understand. I'm saying I don't decide who believes and who repents.

I personally wouldn't be surprised to see Judas when the kingdom comes in fullness.

Vanilla=/=Molasses (And Other Domestic Adventures)

That's clearly a "does not equal" sign, right?

So tonight I made the beloved granola. Well, I'm sorta still in the process of making. It's still in the oven. I donned the apron and everything. Halfway through, though, because I forgot at first. Oops.

MENNONITE COOKBOOK

I couldn't remember if we doubled the batch (like the pancakes) or not. So I finally decided to just make one batch and if that didn't fill in two pans right, then I'd make another one. In the first batch I couldn't remember for a while if I had counted to 6 cups of oats or not. What if I lost track? (Can you imagine if I had to count TWELVE cups??) For the record: I've been tired today. (I haven't been sleeping terribly well. Mer.) And then my chest was like "hey, I don't have enough breath." So I was like "okay, fine... Treatment it is." So, I was a little shaky and not the most alert I've ever been. *Thoughtful look* Maybe that should have been a sign to not cook, but I finished the granola (affectionately referred to as "crumbles" here.) a day or two ago, we needed more. Maybe not quite as desperate as when the pancakes run out (Those are sad, sad times until a new batch is made.).

I use parentheses a lot.

Anyway. My oat amount was fine. For the second batch though, I picked up the nearest container on the table with dark black liquid. I needed half a cup of molasses. Then suddenly, that molasses seemed very liquidy and it was pouring quite easily. AHHH. IT'S VANILLA. Thankfully I didn't get too far, haha. But can you imagine if I had put in that much vanilla? I don't actually know what would happen. But it ended up okay. No. Worries.

And, when I get to make it, I leave out the coconut and use sunflower seeds. Sometimes Meagan mixes it. And I make sure that half the batch is raisin-free! Hoooorayyyy, raisins are gross. But I forgot to put nuts in it this time, but that's okay. It's an optional thing.

So while I'm doing this baking, I'm listening to a sermon. I prefer to do tasks while I listen to sermons. It helps my working and my attention. However, it's problematic when the person makes multiple points I want to remember. Because I can't remember them all. I'm focused on one 'til he brings another 'round.

I really need to refine my sermon/lecture listening habits possibly.

So, as I'm making granola and listening to a sermon, I think "It's so fun to get those glimpses of what you want your life to be like... This is it." Oh, so apparently I want to listen to sermons and make food. I think the key in that though is home and Jesus. Also, there is no true home without Jesus. HOW COOL IS IT THAT I'M GOING TO MARRY A MAN WHO LOVES JESUS?? How EXCITING is that? I get to marry a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. But he will love me. A man who desires God's kingdom come.

Maybe we can listen to sermons and make food together. :)

Okay, granola finished! First pan I pulled out came off the pan easily, and was so good. So so delicious. Warm homemade granola? Winning.

Then the second pan.

Somehow this was the pan that it mattered on that I forgot to grease. Great. So I had to scrape with a knife and my hands and try to get the granola off the pan. Yet again, Sophia cannot cook without making a mess. Well, that batch got raisins anyway. So.

These crumbles were from the "good" batch. 

Way delish. And now the non-greased pans are soaking haha. So domestic adventures not quite done. I will probably also have to have some sort of chocolate snack soon.

That Post About Worship and Confusion and Frustration

I'm going to preface this entire thing with "I'm confused and I'm thinking and bear with me in love please."

Okay.

Tonight I went to a "Night of Worship" on this last night of the National Worship Leader Conference.
Which felt concert-y to me. Here are my thoughts.

Flashing lights don't help me worship.

Loud music does not help me worship.

People telling me to raise my hands and shout if I'm redeemed do not help me worship.

I actually take a bit of issue with the term "worship leader." A worship leader leads in the singing. Did you know worship is not excluded to singing? It really isn't. Check out Merriam Webster if you don't believe me. Why don't we call them song leaders?

Maybe some of this is because I grew up in a small, traditional, Presbyterian church. We sit in pews, no one leads worship. Mary or Joan played piano or the organ and we all sang hymns corporately. Even guitars were somewhat rare. We do NOT clap hands. We do NOT lift hands. We do NOT shout. (Except one time when Billy was preaching and told us to shout "undignified!" ... It was about David and his loincloth dancing. Anyway. That's a different story.)

Maybe. But even if it's a part, that's not the whole of it.

Despite being frustrated sometimes with not "feeling" anything, I don't want my worship, my faith, my life, to be about emotionalism. To be about MY emotions. Dude, those change all the time. (To be fair: One song writer tonight did sing about not wanting to build on the sands of feelings that change every day or something like that.) I am not an emotional worshiper. I never really have been. Not that I never get emotional during worship. That'd be a lie. But not often. Is that wrong? I don't really "abandon" myself to "worship" songs and whatnot ... or even supposedly to Jesus in a demonstrative way during what is called worship. I don't want to get sucked into emotionalism that will not sustain me or my faith. Emotions are not steady. Trust me. If I give in to emotions and what not during these times, I'll be on some sort of high that'll go when I wake up the next morning, if not before. I try not to base decisions on emotions. I can't really, since they change. I would not be able to base my faith actions and my life on emotionalism during a night of worship, so to say. My faith must be steady. My faith must be in how I live EVERYDAY. (And I mean every day as well as everyday (life).)

I probably thought judgmental thoughts tonight.

Also, this 14-year-old came up and sang a song she wrote when she was 11. Every time these things happen, I think "What am I doing with my life??? Geeez." And then she sings about wandering in the desert and I wonder what an 11-year-old could possibly know about desert wanderings, and then remind myself that yes, people of that age can experience more things than I give them allowance for. We live in a broken world and while maybe no kid should have a desert time, so to say, it's possible she did... Maybe I Jesus Juked myself?

Sigh.

Oh, and then someone started talking about angels and heaven and singing and I was like "What."

And then I'm pretty sure I felt some hearts breaking. They mentioned Revelation 5, saying that "Worthy is the Lamb" is one of the songs will be singing in heaven. I do not deny that. But I don't think that is what Revelation 5 is telling us. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. You hear that the Lion of Judah has conquered and you see the Slain Lamb. It just seemed like he ripped it out of context and was focused on our singing. And worshiping God is OH so important, do not get me wrong. But I think by just taking that line out, you miss so much. (Edit:  I've thought about this a lot since posting. I really don't think it's horrible that he said that'd be a song we'd sing in heaven. I appreciate that passage so much, for ALL it says, that it was frustrating (to say the least) to hear "Revelation 5" and then not talk about what was going on in that chapter.)

And then they said that worship-by which they meant singing-was preparation for heaven. And that in heaven there will be no sermons. I suppose that was supposed to be funny since this was a worship leaders' conference? Sigh. I don't know about sermons in heaven, but I don't know about singing as preparation for heaven either.

I just don't know.

And then I wondered if I think wrongly about God and have problems praising him and worshiping him.

I'm confused and I have lots of questions.

What does proper worship look like?

How can emotions be tied into my faith (if they should)?

If I die before the new heaven and new earth--what will this "old" heaven be like until then? Question mark over that whole situation.

The Heat (Summer, and also a NEEDTOBREATHE album)

Hi.

I haven't blogged in much time, so let's make the comeback an update post. Cliche and lame, perhaps. :)

So. Finals week happened and was survived. Dr. Appold was gracious and gave me an A in Hebrew. So my GPA ended up being fairly respectable. Moving out was the worst. I was not ready, but thought I could be. I checked out after my check out time, barely ate all day, spent an extra night in Kirksville than planned (that part wasn't bad, just stressful in all plans being messed up). Bluh. Thank goodness Andrew is ridiculously patient and caring. And helpful and has muscles. Ha. (He doesn't know about this blog yet, either...)

Then off to Kansas City for da summer! It stormed like crazy on my drive and there was hail which was hella scary. Ohmygosh, I HATE driving in the rain and storms. But I survived.

Then Andrew met my family! We had a big day of lunch with the parents, touring parts of New Haven, a tour of my high school by me and Risa, meeting my amiga OP, one of the only people I've known my whole life, and dinner with Kasia and Madeleine. Whew. whataguy.

And then, after Risa's eighth grade recognition night, I headed back to Kansas City to let my summer really begin. So I've been here. Reading, and playing with my cousins' kids (Isaac, Noah (4), and Micah (2)), spending time with the family, and reading a lot. My reading slowed down a lot in the second month.

I got into a car wreck. My car is no more and I broke my thumb. I have to keep this thing on for 3 more weeks when I'm more mobile. But I can take it off and move it around some.

I'm a MONSTERRRR!

So that's been pretty cool. Actually, when I went to the hand doctor on Monday and he said 3 more weeks, I cried. Oops. It's been frustrating. My hope was to become ambidextrous in this, but that's not looking too great. I still have some hopes though. 3 weeks is a long time. I also decided not to buy another car. At least not 'til after I graduate. Then we'll see what happens then. It's been frustrating, as I said. I've been learning to be grateful that it was just a really small break in one finger and the other driver wasn't harmed at all. It's also been humbling to have this on my record and to have to ask for help with things like ponytails (which I'm actually getting fairly good at doing myself) and not being able to write well. God is good, and Jesus is King. Forever and ever, amen.

I've been thinking a lot. Those things'll have to be well thought out blog posts. :)

ooo, want a list of all the books I've read? Here you go!

• The Secret Message of Jesus
• Ella Enchanted*
• The Horse and His Boy*
• Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows*
• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone*
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince*
• Peter Pan*
• Anne of Green Gables*
• The Christian Atheist
• Simply Jesus
• The Hawk and the Dove Trilogy
• Dynamics of Faith*
• The Meaning of Marriage
• The King Jesus Gospel

*re-reads

Whew. OH, and I read Tobit, too! That was cool. Also, many books of the Bible.

I visited Andrew at Camp Eagle 3 days after my accident. Shortest weekend ever. Fantastic though. Goodness. 40 more days until I see him again. We hiked all across creation on Saturday and talked all day! And sherpa-ed in the dark, and watched the stars. And then woke up to leave at 6:15 am for the airport. :( It had been so long. Man. I miss him. Bonus of the visit: hour and a half of visiting with Taylor Probst!

Other summer thus far highlights: 

Missy and Robbie's wedding! Catching the bouquet (there are fantastic pictures of that scenario on facebook). Molly and Spencer's wedding the next day, and my Wedding Weekend adventure with Cara. And all of the dancing and friends crammed into those two days. So. So. Good. 

THE COLOR RUN. I didn't run the whole thing because I'm out of shape, but it was fantastic!

Me and Cara.

Me and Emily.

Well, friends, thank you if you made it this far in the post. I hope to be posting more regularly! I'm car-less, so I'm freer to do such things, haha. :)

"White Blank Page, and a Swelling Rage..."

I suppose thinking of Spring 2012 in such terms:

"But you rip it from my handsAnd you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won..." *
 

is a little dramatic.

But goshdarnit. Junior Year, what more do you want from me? I know I can't say "I gave you alllllll," but good heavens, I gave you a lot. Sure, Hebrew, I stopped trying super hard around February, but really. I tried hard all Fall 2011 in Hebrew and just had nothing left. Please don't take all that's left of my soul.

Okay, soul-taking is a little extreme.

But here's the deal. I have done the best job I've EVER done this semester. I've worked the hardest (with the exception of working harder in Hebrew last semester than I did this one), and taken the hardest classes. I done SO GOOD with my homework. I'M DONE. And I'm supposed to give more? This is why finals week sucks. I got nothin' left. And I don't WANT to give anymore. I want to hang out with people I haven't seen all semester. With people I won't see all summer. With people who are graduating. I can only be a good student for so long. (Sad, I know. Trust me, I know.)

So, probably not going to give finals week my all. Finals week doesn't deserve my all. I'm going to prioritize. I'm not sure what that'll look like though.

But way more than enough of my whining...

This semester actually has been fantastic in so many ways. Here's just a few:
Cara Eads.
Ryan and Brenna Harker.
Andrew Everett Austin.
Rena Heimsoth.

That's really just a few. I have been AMAZED at so many things, but super reflective blogging will take place when it's all officially done. I've got to bs write up my scholarship project, so that I can go work on Paul with people at 9:30. And sleep.

God is good, God is constant.


--
*I realize that the lyrics I quoted are not from "White Blank Page." But the post title is a metaphor for finals. Obv.

"Of For Grace to Trust Him More..."

[I wrote this this summer, but didn't publish it on here. As I'm not in a place of attempting to empty of myself more and fill up with him and constructive things, as I'm trying to try to listen, this seems appropriate to bring back.]


Last summer was full of a lot of reflection and learning about myself and God. I did some growing. This summer seems to also be full of those things--but even more so and with more joyful leanings and with more hope.

I don't know how it is for everybody, but for me, summer actually offers me that opportunity more so than school does. There's too much homework, too many obligations, people are around all the time, there's small spaces, lots of events--we are BUSY.

But, at least for me, summer slows things down. My obligations are decreased. I don't have any homework, there aren't any classes to go to. I have less events and more space and less people around. And without all these things, I'm actually forced/given the opportunity to be by myself. To bewith myself. To be with God. To listen to him. To tune my heart in sync with his.

When we let go of things and just seek out God, we realize that he's there... Like, really THERE. He's there in the hearts of others, he's there in the heart and mind of the HV/AC worker(true story!), he's in the actions of a friend, he's there in the quiet nights when you're alone, he's listening to you cry out, when you're wondering what's going to happen in your life, and he's speaking to you--so listen... he's there in the whisper (1 Kings 19:12). 

{As Christians, God dwells in us.}

In the sermon today, the pastor said that we rarely know what God has in store for our lives--but we know who he is. This reminds me of what they say of Aslan: "Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.” Now, I think Jesus is safe. He's the safest we can ever be. But he isn't that kind of safe we often look for. He's not comfort zone safe. He's heart-safe. [Edit: I think soul-safe is a better term now.]

I get scared to let Jesus see my heart (though he already knows it). I have a hard time being open with him because I'm scared of what he'll ask me to do. But I know it's all to grow closer to him. Sure, maybe things are good, but don't you want better? This is what I ask of you--of myself:  to listen to him. He's going to lead us into who we're meant to be.

It's not always easy listening, being with yourself, being with God. It doesn't seem safe. But it'll be better. 

"Now faith is the assurance of things hope for, the conviction of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1

Seek God and his ways and his truth: 

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." -Jeremiah 33:3

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." -Hebrews 11:6

He gives and takes away, but this giving and taking is all in the plan he has for us... plans to give us a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Those takings hurt, but he plans for us--hope. That is not a God who takes things away to hurt, but to heal and for better.

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." -1 Peter 5:10

I like to think of the refiner's fire. Our suffering is just refining us, polishing us, making us shine. The God of all grace has called us to eternal glory...that's forever. Compared to that forever, our suffering is a little while... and after that, he's going to restore you. He's going to confirm you. He's going to strengthen you. He's going to establish you. 

Faith is trust, as a dear friend once told me. So trust him. Seek him, call out to him, listen for him, listen to him, and trust.

Listen, my dear friends. Listen and grow.

You Are Not Alone

Earlier this morning I stumbled across a blog about women/relationships. A few posts were dedicated to questions you shouldn't ask men (I think particularly on dates/getting to know them). This list of questions brought to mind the question "What is the best decision you've made?" I can't remember if that question is on the list or not, but maybe it should be. Maybe it shouldn't. I don't know. But it made me think. What if somebody asked me that? What would I say?

I suppose a good free-willer would say "Jesus." However, I'm not sure how much of that is me, but much is Christ. I do know that in my sinning state, I don't see how I would come to him. I don't know. God is good and I'm glad I am his daughter. Anyway, so I decided not to put this one in the running.

How about coming to Truman? Oh, how glad I am that I am here! And if it was fully my decision, perhaps I could say this. But I had no intention of applying. My mom made me. And Truman granted me the Leadership Scholarship, and MoBap did not grant me the highest scholarship. And Mom highly encouraged me to come due to these things. Was it my decision in the end? Perhaps, but it was not all on my own.

How about spending my summer at Gerard and Meagan's and making that family? Well, I can't remember if the idea was initially mine and Kasia encouraged me, or if she brought the idea to me. And Gerard and Meagan had to say yes. I could not have made that decision without them.

How about some of my friendships? Yes, I have decided to be friends with certain people. But to a degree, that does not work if they do not also decide to be my friend. It's not all me.

How about my major? Oh, how I love my major. Nothing else seemed right though. Over a break freshman spring semester, I sat down with the course catalog and poured over possible classes. Philosophy and Religion held the ones I was most interested in. Was that my decision? Well, yeah. But I couldn't have made another one. Perhaps this is the one that would best fit to answer the question. After all, it has encouraged my faith, challenged my faith, brought me friendships, brought me questions and new ideas.

The point here is that my decisions weren't made all on my own. Decisions are scary. I'm terrified of making the wrong one. But in a sense, the decisions aren't completely up to us. We have guides that help us. Yes, perhaps the final "yes" or "no" is ours to say, but we are not alone.

Decisions can be quite lonely. They can take us far from home--physically and emotionally. And sometimes, although yes, we have help, the final "yes" or "no" or "stay" or "go" is up to us. But that does not mean we can't seek help in our decision making process. It does not have to be an entirely lonely endeavor. At least, I don't think it has to be. I hope not. (I mean, God's here.)


Please, if you have thoughts of this, comment, let me know. I'd love to discuss. Even if you disagree--That's a fact of life I need to get used to. :)

Philosophia

Word Origin & History

philosophy 

c.1300, from O.Fr. filosofie (12c.), from L. philosophia, from Gk.philosophia "love of knowledge, wisdom," from philo- "loving" +sophia "knowledge, wisdom," from sophis "wise, learned."


(From dictionary.com, yo.)


Meaning, a philosopher is someone who loves wisdom.
In other words, I will marry a philosopher.


Hehe, I find this amusing.


Also, I wanted to post but could not put words out that I liked, so I went to some drafts.

Sigh.

BEDTIME.

"Anyone Who Knows Me..."

Anyone who knows me knows that...

I've been thinking about this a bit lately. It's something you hear people say. Examples:

"Anyone who knows me knows that I love Kenya."

"Anyone who knows me knows that my sisters are my best friends."

"Anyone who knows me knows I'm not really quiet."

I don't know if I have one of those to say. Or any. Maybe I'm just thinking that more people know me than really do. (Thus lessening the people who would know some specific thing.) Is there anything in my life, anything about me, that is so obvious, that I talk about so much, that anyone who spends time with me/talking to me knows?

My first thoughts are to my awk-ness. It's quite apparent. Pre-Truman me would be APPALLED at my boldly awk personality. It slips out.

Things I wish it were: How much I love my major. Basically, how much I love studying that subject matter as a whole. That I'm striving to love. That hugs are among my favorite things. That I want to be your friend.

What it ought to be: How Jesus has influenced my life. Given me life. Given me love. And urges me on to give love.

What a thought! "Anyone who knows me knows Christ's love."




"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God and whoever loves knows God, and has been born of God." ~1 John 4:7

Security (Or Lack Thereof)

Security's something I think a lot about. Probably not generally for good reasons, however. It's usually for not-so-positive reasons. I'm way more paranoid than I should be walking around at night. Hardly at all in Overland Park, interestingly enough. New Haven and Kirksville, however--SCARY. I do attribute this to my overactive imagination (especially as a child), too much Law & Order and other crime shows (especially as a child), and reading (especially as a child). That and my tendency to imagine the worst possible things. (Not healthy.)

But then there's a personal security--like being secure as a person, in your relationships, in who you are. I struggle there. Mucho. Albeit, not as much as I did previous to last year, but there are still struggles. School days aren't so bad--we're all busy, and I usually have a ministry event or some such thing so that's happening at night. However, Saturdays are what get me most. Saturday afternoon/evenings particularly. If my roommate has plans, and is gone all day, and I don't, then I'm alone in our apartment. All day. Suddenly I have no motivation to do homework elsewhere or to do homework at all. I get mopey and am essentially convinced I don't have friends.

I'm working on security in friendships. I actually do a lot better most of the time. But some days, I don't do so well. The weird thing is I never considered myself someone who couldn't be alone. I was supposed to be okay alone. So why this fear, this moping? This lack of security?

Security in who I am can be hard. I feel like I'm changing; mostly in my opinions and beliefs. And I'm just not sure where I fit in with it all anymore. For years I'd been sure of some things; they don't seem as important anymore. The hard thing is when strong, important influences in my life fervently and seemingly logically hold to opposing beliefs. Then I really do have to figure out what I believe. I'm really good at agreeing with whoever I'm talking to. Provided it's not blatantly against what I really think. My personality likes peace and likes to agree. So, without even thinking, I can all to easily just go along with other people. Especially if it's scary to disagree with them. And I think that they'll judge me if I disagree. Oh, this is not good.

I really need to not be afraid to search for myself and come to my own conclusions. Though I would prefer if they were in agreement with the people who are important to me... Of course.

Normally, I don't walk around Kirksville at night by myself. If I have to go anywhere that's not campus (or LuHo or Tricia's, which are on the way to campus) at night, I drive. However, last night, after swiping Ryan and Brenna in for dinner, I walked to their house with them, as we had a prayer group in a little bit. I knew this meant me walking back alone. After we had finished, I went to Randolph house, which is just a couple houses away from Harker House. I walked back to Campbell 203 after midnight. I was fine. I wasn't scared. I think it was the snow. Something about snow, probably the white, and how it reflects light, is pure. It made the world seem brighter and safer. Yay! I was secure. :)

Sabbath Home Way

Yesterday was my last time worshiping at Woodland Ridge Presbyterian Church for a while, possibly 'til this summer. It was a good Sunday. There were multiple baptisms of Nepali attenders. It was so so beautiful. I have much respect for how my church (yes, I consider it mine) really reaches out. Their statement as to "Why We Do What We Do" is:

"Woodland Ridge Presbyterian Church is a servant driven community which exists to worship the triune God; to celebrate the truths of the Reformation; and to glorify Him in our city, our region, among the immigrant in our midst, even to the ends of the earth."

The way the church really reaches out to everyone is so beautiful. We share a building with a Korean congregation and sometimes the pastors switch preaching, we send vans to pick up Nepali friends for worship and have great involvement with them, we offer ESL classes to Spanish speakers. Growing up in New Haven and going to Truman has not exposed me to much diversity. It's so fun to see other cultures just at home together and blending and teaching each other. Oh yeah, and they welcomed me too. :)

Woodland Ridge is the church I have spent the most time at since May, possibly in the last year or so. Most of my breaks have been in Kansas City, so I've been there. Which included the whole summer. Last semester, I got lazy about going to St. Paul and I really regret it. I love that church and know it's worth the time commitment. I've realized how important it is to be involved with the church. And that means having a home church. We are meant to live with the body and to encourage each other, to meet together often. We are meant to reach out, to love. A specific church enables that. I highly encourage you to actively be part of a church body if you are not already. And I challenge myself to do the same.

I have been blessed with/by good church homes throughout my life. God has blessed me indeed to be surrounded by so many believers. I am blessed to know so many from so many different areas--all part of THE church.

The Catholic Church recently put out a commercial about "coming home." Catholic, Protestant, unlabeled... Come home. Get on Sabbath Home Way and rejoice at what you find.




*Sabbath Home Way is a road off of Highway 11 here in Northeast Missouri. It is on the way from Kirksville to St. Paul.

New Year Post Part 2: Road Full of Promise

I love promises.

I think that there's a huge difference between saying "I will do this" and saying "I promise I will do this." AND GUESS WHAT. God's promises are always good and true.

"For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory." ~2 Corinthians 1:20

That verse makes my soul tingle.

Promises are assurances. It's something we can base our expectations on.

So what does it mean to have a Road Full of Promise? Oh, my soul is tingling again. I feel anticipation in my bones. Seriously. It's one of those things I have a hard time putting into words, but I feel.  At least to me, it means good things are coming--are assured. Promise is hope. It means you have possibilities in your future. And good things. Basically, it means this:

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:26-28

 God's got a will and a plan for us. We do not even know often how to pray as we ought, let alone know what we are to do. But God's got that road ready full of promises.

Also, reflecting on this
 ...What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain understanding must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do; the thing is to find the truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.
Oh, Kierkegaard.


And so what am I to do on this Road Full of Promise?


Oh, we'll see. :)


Really, though, the past few days I've somewhat come to an acceptance. An acceptance of I don't know what I want to "do" or what I ought to "do." And I'm (mostly) okay with that. So I don't know my whole life at 21. So what? I know my next step (ish). And my next step is just a continuing of what I want to do--of what I want to be. I'm going to continue learning what I like and pursuing relationships and finding ways to love. I'm going to take life step by step. Will I have to "figure things out" after grad school? Probably so, at least in some way. But you know what? I'm choosing to try to not worry on that. Because it's not here yet. So I can't do it anyway. (Besides, we all know our plans change all the time.) So I will continue praying, and seeking, and the Spirit will continue interceding. And God will continue faithful. 


God knows our hearts. And he loves us. How could our Roads not be Full of Promise?
So I will continue on my Road in prayer, in seeking, in hope, finding those Promises.


In Jesus' name, Amen.

New Year Post Part 1: Head Full of Doubt

Obligatory End of Year Post.

I'm doing this in two parts. Mostly this is because if I did it as one post, I would absolutely want to title it "Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise," but I've already entitled another post that. So I will do "Head Full of Doubt" today and "Road Full of Promise" tomorrow." Today's post will be of doubts, of hardships, over overcomings, or triumphs. Tomorrow's will be of hope, of future.

The first part of the year seems so far away, like it wasn't even a part of this year.

That was the second semester of my sophomore year, the second semester in my major. The last semester I took more than 12 credits. (Probably.) It was also the second semester I really acutely felt the brokenness of my family. That made for a lot of tears. I learned how to better deal with this. I had to grow. It was the first time I had a boyfriend. A new and growing experience, for sure. I often hesitate to publish anything about that situation, but it happened, and there is no reason to hide it. He was a good friend, but we weren't meant to stay together. So I had my first breakup this summer. Two people I remain deeply grateful to for their friendship in this time: Meagan Weldele (who's home I was living in this summer), my dear cousin, friend, sister in Christ, and Alex Nyquist, another dear friend, former GIFT partner, and soon to be co-leader of LSF Women's Ministry. Alex, as so often the previous semester, and still, was a voice of reason. She grounds me, and reassures me. Other people, Gerard, my cousin; Julie, my roommate; and Tricia, my friend, were among the many other encouraging people. I learned a lot about relying on God and being strong this summer. And I learned a lot about family, too.

I took Hebrew, one of the best decisions of my academic career. Can I just brag a little here? I got an A!!! I'm so proud of myself, and happy of myself. :)  I'm so so grateful to my professor, Dr. Appold, my tutor, Ryan Harker, and my friend, Heidi Geisbuhler, for all their help and encouragement in any and every way they did. I don't really challenge myself or force myself to work hard too often, so sticking with Hebrew is a really a big deal.

I decided to go to grad school. This summer it was for a Masters in Counseling. Now it's for a Masters of Divinity. GRE? Terrified. Looking up schools and figuring out where to apply? Lost. Confidence of getting in where I'd like? Shaky at best. Head full of doubt, for sure. But I want to keep learning. I want to figure out what I am to do.

I'm learning to love, mostly how loving is HARD, so so hard. I'm also learning about the importance of putting oneself in the environment that is best suited for growth and bringing one close to Christ and who you are to be in him. If you are in an environment that does not encourage you to him and tears you away from him, it perhaps is not where you should be. These are things not learned without tears. Along with this, I'm learning about the possible need for accountability in these situations: someone to hold you to loving, to growing, to intentional living.

Much has happened this year. I've been trying to figure out what I want in many different ways, trying to figure out who I am, what I believe. As this not only causes change, but has potential for conflict, it can be distressing. And somewhat exhausting to think about too much. So sometimes I don't try.

This year has brought a lot of hardship, but blessing even more. My cup indeed overflows. Though often I have rejected this when told by others--I am strong. Cheesy, but true. (I almost hate putting this in here because it's so cliche. My middle name means "Famous Warrior." My first name means "Wisdom." Anyway, my God is forever strong.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by all I want to do. Other times I'm underwhelmed at my drive and goals. (As there can be a lack of.) I think I need a focus. I got quite inspired to find that last night. "Decide what to be and go be it." Oh, okay. I just have to decide. uh, huh.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Fall 2011:

Boom. Done.

I was definitely all worried about this semester. But I made it through. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. So accomplishable. Makin'. It. A word. I think I'm going to pull off A's in 3 out of my 4 classes. I was definitely hoping for a 4.0, but it's fine. I possibly could have gotten an A in Ancient Phil (though it's doubtful), but it would have required a LOT of work. Friends and relaxing>stressing myself out trying to understand Plato and Aristotle.

So this semester has brought me many MANY new friends. One I made 3 days before she graduated. Oh, timing. But we are supposed to be friends. Many have become some of my dearest friends, though I've known them for such a short time. I am deeply grateful for the love and encouragement they bestow upon me, and their willingness to open their hearts and homes to me. That's to ALL my friends. I keep talking about love, and that's what they are showing me. It's so amazing. I have such a blessed community here.

Hebrew's been so great. I get a bit lazy sometimes, but it's something I truly want to try hard in. Which is a big and exciting thing for me. Reading the Old Testament in light of my smattering of Hebrew knowledge is soooo exciting. It's opening a whole new world (how I studied for the final) of understanding to me.


A Nicaraguan Prayer:
"O God, bless this food we are about to receive. Give bread to those who hunger, and give hunger for justice to us who have bread."
This sums up a good amount of what I've learned this semester. Let this be my prayer. Let this be my life.

Grateful. Yeah, I'm really grateful for this semester. Emmanuel.

Also: Thoughts of Jesus' birth, as I heard in a song this morning at church: "Where else would a lamb be born?" Ah. Ah. Ah. I have never thought of it in such a way. That's another thing of this semester: being exposed to thinking of things in ways I haven't before. Well, that's just been Truman overall, but I'm really feeling it this semester. I just think of Luke 2:19: "But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart." Yup. I ponder things in my heart. And my head. 

Hither by thy help I'm come.

Living of Love

I've probably talked about love on this blog more than anything. (With possible exceptions of Hebrew and my 5k training.) There's a reason. And it is this:

"Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet.' and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." -Romans 13:8-10

I don't know if I can properly articulate how important it is to love. I'll try. Colossians will help: "Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry...But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do no lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator... Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." (vs. 5,9-10,12-15)

Love is incompatible with these things that we must put off. Incompatible. The love that Jesus has placed in my heart cannot reside in the same place with slander and obscene talk, anger and lies--for those are not love. We are called to great love. We are commanded to love. That is what we are to do, what we are to be. 

Love is active, love is a way of life. Love is in our thoughts, words, and deeds. Love is thorough. Love is unconditional. I've been amazed at the love of others often. They just tell me they love me and treat me so kindly and fully care about me--and I just think how they barely know me-how can they love me? Yet they understand and live love. It is not about if they know someone. Their love for me is not based on them knowing me. (For then what, it is based on my traits and actions? Oh, for sometimes they are good, but sometimes, oh, all too often, they are bad.) It is just pure and unconditional. Real love's pretty amazing like that. 

Obviously, this is something I've been thinking on and learning a lot this semester. And it really really has changed me. It's honestly helping me, understanding love and its importance. It is not easy, because true love is selfless. And this is about what--who we are to be. Who we are to serve. Who we are to love. (E'rybody.) 

"If the days aren't easy and the nights are rough, When they ask you what you're thinking of, Say love, Say for me love." 

(Love me some Avett.)

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have  prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:1-2

--

Be gone, pride: Be full, heart.

Lately There's Been Love

I should be studying Hebrew, but I want to get something posted. I've had lots of ideas lately, just not as much time.

So what have I been doing instead of blogging?

• 5k training woooop! (should the "k" be capitalized?)
• Reading the first few pages of Augustine's Confessions. !!!!!! Hopefully I can write more about him later.
• Hebrew! I have big quizzes tomorrow to take. I should be studying. Why am I not? 1. I'm lazy 2. I'm feeling fairly confident. Whaaaattt??? I'll study after I write this and tomorrow before I test, no worries.
• Other homeworks, struggle bus-ing in Ancient, group project-ing in Globalization, and um... some Judaism (currently figuring out my final paper topic)
• MAKING NEW FRIENDS! It has been wonderful. In the past week, I've told 3 people I've wanted to be their friends. I'm so bold, it kinda scares me. Seriously.
• Eating way too much candy and other sugars. Oops.
• Being overwhelmed by the love of Christ in others. Another thing I will hopefully write more about later.

So, newest friend story! There's this girl who does the announcements on Wednesday night CCF services and I decided I was going to introduce myself sometime. (Boldness, you know.) Tonight, before service, we were both in the bathroom, and I was seriously going to introduce myself as soon as I washed my hands, and then she did it as I was washing my hands! Because we were both wearing sweatshirts and scarves, a typical outfit for both of us. :) Then in announcements she gave me a shout-out! After service, we met up, exchanged numbers and talked about warm drinks and I said I had wanted to be her friend. I can't even contain that stuff anymore apparently. Anyway, Sarah Perry and I are going to be friends. 

I read passages out loud from the Bible today! I actually really reallllyyy enjoyed it! I absolutely recommend it. Do it. It made me just love passages... Which is great, but as I was trying to find something for my talk at next week's Te Deum, it was also slightly frustrating--I can't talk about everything! Liking lots of the Bible is a good thing, though. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg This is a gem.

http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/11/hearing-your-name-for-the-first-time/ This also is really good.

Isaiah is goooood. Chapter 43 is good. As is 44. I read 43 and the first part of 44 earlier. Here is 44:1-5:

"But now hear, O Jacob my servant, Israel whom I have chosen! Thus says the Lord who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you: Fear not, O Jacob my servant, Jeshurun whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit upon our offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. They shall spring up among the grass like willows by flowing streams. This one will say, 'I am the Lord's,' another will call on the name of Jacob, and another will write on his hand, 'The Lord's,' and name himself by the name of Israel."

I like that a lot.

Love.

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

I feel bad when I take so long to post again! Oops! I meant to like last Tuesday... and then I guess last week got crazy? Then this week ended up being crazier than I thought.Oh, well. So... things that have been happening:

I talked to the dean (my bff, Lou Ann) about counseling as a profession. It made me more excited to possibly do this. However, I'm still at the whole unable to give up theology and philosophy studies and just wanting to that more in-depth. The study of counseling is nowhere near my passion. Helping people is, however. And this is my first solid idea of how to do that.

Got lost in Kierkegaard a bit the other day. My favorite two (ish) pages of Kierkegaard is his section Gilleleie, August 1, 1835 in his Journals. (Granted I have not read much Kierkegaard. But it's my favorite of what I have.) I've underlined about a quarter of it.

...What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain understanding must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do; the thing is to find the truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.

Lookit! (Dr. Appold reference) I was just going to pick my favorite part, and there is goes being applicable to my previous paragraph!

I CARVED MY VERY FIRST PUMPKIN EVER TODAY.

My pumpkin baby. :)

 I also keep typing "pumpking" instead of pumpkin.

Hebrew's been slaying me. Actually, just one day. I broke down in the SUB. Classy. But I'm going to take it again next semester. Inflicting non-required stress upon myself. typicaltrumanstudent Speaking of, I asked my Hebrew tutor and his wife (PHRE graduates) to help me pick out my classes for next semester since my advisor doesn't really advise me. Loooooved it.

I helped with CCF Men's Progressive Dinner tonight. So much fun. It honestly was a delight to watch the boys get super excited about food and playing video games.

I love fall. Like, a lot. It makes me happy. I've cried a decent amount this semester. And I've been laughing a lot more. And a lot more easily. I'm terrified of spiders. My friends are beautiful souls.


*The song title that is my post title sums up this post amazingly in my mind. You may not see it, but that's how I feel about the conglomeration of things written here. Except maybe the spider part. That was just a fact about me.

We're Halfway There

midtermbreakmidtermbreakmidtermbreak


Gahhhhh.


I seriously don't know if I've ever wanted a break this badly before. This semester is trying to beat me down. BUT TOMORROW I AM GOING TO KANSAS CITY. I have nothing left to doooooooo! I just have to go to class and pack! I hate packing! But whatever! So I'm not doing anything tonight. After lunch tomorrow I'll probably throw some stuff in my car, get gas and gooooo. I'm so so so excited to see my family there. 


I'm wearing a big yellow bow in my hair. Pulling. It. Off.


Still listening to Foster the People a lot. Also, I came up with a name for my friend's band: The Ambivalence Conundrum. I think they should use it. (For the record, my first pick was Unicorn Ambivalence.)


So, I'm trying to figure out my classes for next semester. I really want to make it so that I don't have class on Friday. Because it's a very real possibility. However, it's looking like that might mean 4 class (ALL my classes) on Tuesday and Thursday. BUT two of the classes I want to take are at the same time. Classes I want to take: Sociology of Family, Christianity, Faith and Reason in Christian Thought, and Hebrew. I think. But Sociology of Family and Christianity are at the same time. :/ These are pretty much the only classes I want to take, too. I'm going to keep pouring over the course list, trying to figure things out.


Exciting: Since I am at this point planning on getting my masters in counseling and the dean of student affairs (also in charge of my scholarship program) has a degree in counseling and used to be head of University Counseling Services, I emailed the dean and asked if I could meet with her and get advice. Yay!


Midterm break should be hecka Hebrew time. That's what should happen. I really want to beast that class. I need to work on my motivation.


So. Even though the plan is currently a masters in counseling, at dinner, a friend who's planning to go to seminary was talking. And I was talking yesterday to a friend about philosophical theology. And I can't imagine staying away from these things. So, I will probably either have to go to sem to get my masters and take some awesome classes while taking counseling ones. OR... I'll have to get another degree in addition to (or instead of?) counseling. decisiones.


Everything is pointing me to this (I cannot ignore): "A new commandment I give to you,that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." ~John 13:34-35

"Help, Save, Comfort, and Defend."

I'm not sure what on earth is more beautiful than an early morning fall drive from Kirksville to Memphis. I wish I had a picture to illustrate it, but I just soaked it up. Seriously, just take part of the drive yourself. Worth it. It's one of my favorite drives scenery-wise at any time, not just fall mornings. Gorgeous.

I love liturgy. I love order and constancy and truth.

"Help, save, comfort, and defend us, Gracious Lord" is my favorite line in the Lutheran liturgy. It makes my heart happy to hear it Sunday mornings. Also it makes me feel safe.

These things are among the best things of Sundays.

I am in love with Foster the People's album Torches. I don't know if I've listened to an album as extensively and intensely and lovingly(?) since I started listening to The Avett Brothers last fall. So. Good. Awesomeness. <---link to my favorite song on the album, "Houdini," with lyrics. Because they're great. It's great.

Notice the new bloggity design. Thoughts?

Hebrew makes me experience quite a range of emotions. It mostly makes me hard on myself and negative. Then I figure something out and I'm awesome. Then I'm positive. Then I'm like "YEAH, you can do this." Despair. "Keep going! YOU. CAN. DO. THIS." I admit to being somewhat lazy. I don't want to work as hard as I have to in Hebrew. I need to be eatingsleepingbreathingHebrew. I'm not. Then I'm frustrated by my ineptitude. And I want a 4.0. And I wanna please Dr. Appold. And be awesome. Also, one of my Junior year goals is to be a beast at Hebrew. So I need some sort of accountability or better system or something. Because clearly I kinda suck at self-motivation.

For the record, I already accomplished one of my Junior year goals: Ring the church bell at St. Paul's. Happy day.

I laughed a lot with my roommate today. It was beautiful, and I think I might have laughed so hard I almost cried once. I really needed that today. So grateful.

I've been thinking on love. I want to be loved. And I want to love. And these do not have to be in a strictly romantic capacity. There are SO many people in this world and SO much caring to be done. 1 Corinthians 13 does not mean "But this is only for your husband/bf/fiance..." It is love that we are to do (as Christ first loved us) to humanity. Cultivate love in lives.

I Thought Yesterday was Tuesday...

Don't worry, I still went to all my Monday classes and meetings and such. I just felt like the week had been longer already. Sad.

I have to do a presentation Friday morning in my Ancient Philosophy class on Pythagoras (or P-thugz, as I affectionately call him.) So I went to Pickler today and got some books. The books are pretty. And fall colors.

Artistic picture of books.

What I've learned about Pythagoras so far: It's very likely he didn't really have anything to do with the Pythagorean Theorem, and he pretty much had a cult following. Also a golden thigh, or so the rumors say. This will be interesting.

Also, today in the Dear Abby section of the Post-Dispatch:

Dear Abby. I am deeply in love with two wonderful women. I know I have to let one go, but I don't want to break either one's heart. Instead of "dumping" one of them, can I explain the situation to them and ask that one of them dump ME?

I don't understand this. It makes me sad, confused, and kinda angry. Also disturbed.

 "Up and Up" by Relient K is kinda my favorite song right now/I'm trying to make it my theme song sorta. It's good stuff. Despite that, I am actually listening to Bon Iver right now. Also good stuff.

I just remembered I need to write a thank-you note before I go to Hebrew. Which means I'm going to put off vocab studying a little bit longer. But I shouldn't put it off long.

Really, I just wanna curl up on a couch with friends and watch TV and talk, sipping hot drinks. Perhaps after an afternoon of leaf-jumping and fall picture-taking. That sounds lovely, doesn't it? Well, Hebrew calls.


"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." -Romans 12:12